If anyone may be in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number.
What Do You Feel Like Doing?
Sometimes the impulse appears before we recognize the feeling
You may feel an urge to:
- leave;
- hide;
- argue;
- make someone understand;
- fix everything;
- find reassurance;
- make a sudden decision;
- withdraw;
- cry;
- numb yourself;
- or shut down.
An impulse can arise quickly—sometimes before we understand what happened or what we feel.
It may be responding to a present need, boundary, danger, emotion, memory, habit, or protective strategy.
You do not have to act on the impulse or condemn yourself for having it.
Begin by noticing what you feel pulled to do. **
Is Anyone at Risk Right Now?
Ask:
- Do I feel that I may hurt myself or someone else?
- Do I believe I may act on the impulse?
- Is an interaction escalating?
- Are weapons or other means of harm nearby?
- Do I need immediate distance or assistance?
If harm may occur, create distance where possible. Move away from weapons or anything that could be used to cause harm. Contact emergency or crisis support, or tell someone who can help everyone remain safe.
Understanding the impulse can come later.
If no one is in immediate danger, you can continue by noticing what the impulse is trying to do.
Start With the Impulse Itself
If it feels manageable, pause and notice the impulse as clearly as you can.
You are not agreeing to act on it.
Simply notice:
What do I feel like doing?
Try to complete this sentence:
“I notice an urge to…”
Use the words that come closest, even if the impulse seems:
- unreasonable;
- embarrassing;
- contradictory;
- urgent;
- frightening;
- or unlike the person you want to be.
Having an impulse is not the same as acting on it.
What direction is the impulse taking me?
Does it pull you toward:
- escape;
- protection;
- confrontation;
- connection;
- reassurance;
- certainty;
- control;
- withdrawal;
- expression;
- relief;
- or shutting everything off?
What does the impulse seem to want?
Does it seem to want to:
- stop something;
- prevent something;
- protect you;
- protect someone else;
- create distance;
- restore connection;
- be understood;
- release pressure;
- end uncertainty;
- regain control;
- or make a feeling disappear?
You may not know yet.
The purpose is not to force an explanation. It is to begin seeing what the impulse may be trying to accomplish.
Find What Comes Closest
“I want to get away”
You may feel an urge to:
- leave;
- run;
- cancel;
- avoid someone;
- hide;
- disappear;
- or escape the situation immediately.
The urge to get away may respond to actual danger, fear, shame, overwhelm, conflict, exhaustion, or the expectation that something painful is about to happen.
Sometimes leaving is protective and necessary.
Sometimes the urge is responding to something carried into the present.
First ask whether you are currently safe.
If you are responding to danger, fear, or what you believe may happen next:
If you need to escape because everything feels like more than you can carry:
If you feel exposed, humiliated, or desperate to hide:
“I need to confront them”
You may feel an urge to:
- argue;
- accuse;
- raise your voice;
- prove your point;
- demand an answer;
- make someone understand;
- defend yourself;
- or act before the opportunity is gone.
This impulse may appear when you feel mistreated, dismissed, controlled, threatened,
misunderstood, exposed, or powerless.
Something may genuinely need to be addressed.
The question is whether acting at the present level of intensity will help you address it in the way you intend.
If the impulse comes with anger, resentment, unfairness, or a crossed boundary:
If you want to defend yourself because you feel judged, exposed, or diminished:
If the intensity is making it difficult to think or choose how to respond:
“I need reassurance”
You may feel an urge to:
- ask whether everything is okay;
- check repeatedly;
- call or message someone;
- seek confirmation;
- review what was said;
- look for signs of rejection;
- or ask the same question in different ways.
The desire for reassurance may appear with fear, loneliness, rejection, uncertainty, or a need for connection.
Reassurance may bring relief.
Sometimes the relief lasts.
Sometimes the uncertainty quickly returns.
If you are seeking reassurance about danger or what may happen:
If you need reassurance that you matter, belong, or will not be left:
If you are seeking an answer because you cannot tell what something means:
“I need to fix this now”
You may feel an urge to:
- make a decision;
- solve the entire problem;
- send the message;
- demand clarity;
- change the plan;
- take control;
- or act simply because waiting feels unbearable.
Some situations genuinely require prompt action.
In others, the pressure to act may come from how difficult uncertainty,
helplessness, or emotional intensity feels.
Urgency does not always tell us how urgent the situation actually is.
If you cannot determine what is happening or which decision is right:
If you are trying to prevent something you fear may happen:
If there are too many problems, demands, or decisions to manage at once:
“I want to withdraw”
You may feel an urge to:
- stop talking;
- avoid people;
- stay in bed;
- ignore messages;
- become very quiet;
- end the interaction;
- or pull away from everyone.
Withdrawal may create needed space, rest, or protection.
It may also appear with sadness, shame, rejection, overwhelm, exhaustion, or emotional disconnection.
The question is not whether withdrawal is always good or bad.
It is what the distance is doing for you and what it may cost if it continues.
If you feel heavy, hurt, tearful, or affected by something lost or changed:
If you want to hide because you feel judged, exposed, embarrassed, or unacceptable:
If you are pulling away because you feel unwanted, excluded, abandoned, or afraid of rejection:
If you feel blank, shut down, detached, or unable to feel much of anything:
If you are withdrawing because everything feels like more than you can carry:
“I want to shut everything off”
You may feel an urge to:
- sleep;
- go numb;
- stop caring;
- distract yourself continuously;
- use alcohol, cannabis, food, shopping, gambling, sex, work, screens, or another activity for immediate relief;
- or avoid feeling anything at all.
Relief is a real need.
Something that lowers the present load may help you through a difficult moment.
It may also create consequences or leave the underlying experience waiting underneath.
The question is not simply:
“Is this coping strategy good or bad?”
It is:
“What is it helping me escape, endure, reduce, or postpone—and what happens afterward?”
If you feel blank, detached, emotionally absent, or unable to care:
If you are trying to shut everything off because the total load feels unbearable:
“I want to drink, use, gamble, or escape”
You may feel an urge to:
- drink or use a substance;
- gamble;
- disappear into a screen, game, or sexual behaviour;
- spend money;
- eat or restrict food;
- return to something you have tried to stop;
- or do whatever has helped you get away from the feeling before.
The urge may be trying to create relief, numbness, stimulation, control, distance, or a break from something that feels unbearable.
You do not have to condemn the urge or obey it without examining what it is trying to do for you.
If this comes closest, begin here.
“I want to cry or be comforted”
You may feel an urge to:
- cry;
- be held;
- talk to someone;
- hear a familiar voice;
- ask for help;
- be near another person;
- or stop holding everything together.
This may appear with grief, sadness, loneliness, fear,
exhaustion, relief, or the need to feel safe with someone.
Wanting comfort does not make you weak or incapable.
Connection may be part of what the experience needs.
If something hurts, has been lost, or has changed:
If you need comfort because you feel alone, unwanted, disconnected, or afraid of being left:
If you are seeking safety or reassurance because something feels threatening:
“I want to hurt myself or someone else”
An impulse to cause harm needs immediate attention.
You do not need to examine or understand the entire impulse before taking steps to create safety.
Move away from weapons or anything you could use to cause harm.
Create distance from an escalating interaction where possible.
Contact emergency or crisis support, or tell someone who can help you remain safe.
If you believe you may act on the impulse, use emergency services where you live.
What Was Happening Around You?
An impulse may become easier to understand when you notice what happened before it appeared.
Ask only what feels manageable:
- Did something just happen?
- Was I with someone?
- Did I feel threatened, rejected, criticized, exposed, controlled, ignored, trapped, or powerless?
- Was a boundary crossed?
- Am I facing uncertainty, conflict, loss, or a difficult decision?
- Have demands been accumulating?
- Am I tired, hungry, ill, in pain, or affected by medication, alcohol, cannabis, caffeine, or another substance?
- Have I felt this urge before in similar circumstances?
You do not need to force a connection.
Sometimes an impulse becomes clearer after its intensity has decreased.
One Thing You Can Try Right Now
If you are safe and the impulse is manageable:
1. Name it without acting:
- “I notice an urge to leave.”
- “I notice an urge to send the message.”
- “I notice an urge to shut everything off.”
2. Ask:
- What just happened?
- What am I feeling?
- What does this impulse seem to want to change,
- prevent, protect, express, or obtain?
- Is something happening now that requires action?
- What might happen if I act at this level of intensity?
3. If no immediate action is required, create a little time:
- put down the phone;
- step away from the interaction;
- reduce stimulation;
- move your body;
- contact someone safe;
- or postpone an irreversible decision.
4. Consider what you may need:
- protection;
- a boundary;
- expression;
- information;
- reassurance;
- connection;
- distance;
- rest;
- relief;
- or professional support.
The goal is not to eliminate the impulse.
It is to create enough room to decide what
—if anything—you want to do with it.
Sometimes the impulse comes with a strong physical charge. Learning how to work with that physical experience can create more room before you decide what to do.
An Impulse Is Not an Instruction
An impulse can be:
- protective;
- reactive;
- learned;
- habitual;
- emotional;
- physical;
- relational;
- or difficult to understand.
Its presence does not automatically mean:
- you must act;
- you secretly want the consequences;
- it defines your character;
- it is safe to ignore;
- or you should be ashamed for having it.
Some impulses identify something that genuinely needs attention.
Others attempt to produce immediate relief from an experience
that feels difficult to hold.
The question is not simply:
“Should I obey or suppress this?”
It is:
“What is this impulse trying to do, and how do I want to respond?”
If the Impulse Becomes Too Intense
You do not have to continue exploring an impulse because you have noticed it.
If an impulse is persistent, frightening, difficult to manage,
or significantly interfering with daily life, professional support may help.
If you feel unable to remain safe, may harm yourself or someone else,
or believe you may act on a dangerous impulse, use immediate crisis
or emergency support where you live.
You Can Choose Another Doorway
If the impulse does not make the experience clearer, choose the doorway that gives you the strongest clue.
If physical sensations are the clearest part of the experience:
If a repeated thought, prediction, memory, or judgment is taking over:
If the experience began with something that happened:
If none of these gives you a clear place to begin:
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